Looking back at November
How was November for you? November was a tough month for me. Of course, nothing is ever all bad or all good, but this month included a significant loss and is the reason that I have been somewhat quiet. It was time to focus on some self-care. This write up will be a little different to usual.
My Dad
On the 1st of November and as I was on a flight to Iceland, my Dad took his last breaths after a long decline that started about 18 months ago and accelerated in May.
I was fortunate to have visited him the day before. On this day he was visibly weak. Talking was too much effort, so we sat together and watched TV. During that visit I shared the desire that I have to take my coaching business and make it a full time venture. I’m so glad that I got to share that with him.
The week after my Dad passed away I shared an update on my personal facebook page. An extract of that is shared here:
He taught me so much about life. He taught me to enjoy learning, to have a scientific mind. He showed me that sport was not just for school. He took me swimming, even when he couldn’t swim. He celebrated our achievements. He taught me the value of hard work. He taught me values around how to treat people.
He had a fantastically sarcastic sense of humour and loved the simple things in life, like Tom & Jerry and programmes that they just don’t make any more.
As an adult I recognise just how lucky I am that I absolutely love all of my family, so few people seem to be able to able to say that, I am truly blessed. He had fantastic family values.
Even when times were tough, financially, I really wasn’t aware of that as a child. I had all that I needed.
I was able to try new experiences – even when these were ones he wouldn’t want to do, he supported my choices.
There were no expectations around what I would do for a job and I’m pretty sure whatever I had decided to do he would have greeted with the same enthusiasm.
He was an amazing Grandad, adored by his grandchildren and I’m so glad that they all spent so much time with him, I do not have memories of my Grandads.
He took pride in his appearance and was fiercely independent. He had his own values and standards and lived to them, always. It must have been difficult to learn to accept help towards the end.
He loved his family and we loved him. I am so lucky to have had him as my Dad and sad that he is no longer with us. Even in recent years, new stories that had not previously been told came to the surface. There will be no more new stories. Anything we haven’t already learned will now be silenced. He will, however, live on in everyone who he had an impact on, especially his children and grandchildren.
This is all still the same. Except the bit about no new stories. At the funeral (which was on 4th December - on what would have been his 90th birthday) one of Dad’s former colleagues had been asked to speak. There were new stories! What was lovely was to see that others outside of the family held my Dad in as high regard as the family did. He sounds like he was a great leader too.
Grieving - a difficult and important process
After my Mum died, I just kept going. I felt a need to keep things as normal as I could for my Dad and for the kids. I put all the negative stuff in a box and put the lid on it and never dealt with it. I went straight back to work and got on with life.
With hindsight, that’s not a particularly healthy thing to do. This time I have taken the opportunity to take help in navigating my way through all of this. And, whilst that’s difficult in that I’m facing things rather than burying them, I do hope to come out the other side more positively in the end.
When I think back to my mum passing, I remember a lot about her time in hospital and that was pretty traumatic. I don’t, though, remember the funeral, except for leaving the chapel before I felt ready. As you may imagine, I’ve been thinking back to this time quite a bit recently and I have spoken about this recently with the person who is helping me. Often when you go through something traumatic, and when you have a tendency to follow the ‘still upper lip chaps’ approach and put things in a box, you can go through these events dissociated from them. By that I mean rather than being truly immersed in what is happening, you see it more from a detached perspective. This may well be what I did then and memories tend to occur when you are associated in the event. Or it could simply be that I blocked out a painful memory.
So whilst I have lost a parent before, I don’t think I have truly grieved before. So this is a bit of a first for me. It’s also a last, unfortunately.
What I am learning about the process of grieving is that it is physical as well as emotional. It’s ugly and it’s tiring. It’s a process, but not one with a predictable straight line. My previous tendency to put a lid on the box keeps coming up and I’m avoiding my temptation to follow that.
The process seems to go in waves. Waves of sadness, and then periods of calmness whilst it all consolidates. The parts when you remember things or see things you already knew from a new and positive perspective are wonderful. There have been many realisations and memories that are simply wonderful. For example, I don’t remember Dad ever talking about his management style, but it seems we are much the same. I always thought that I had the tendency to blur the lines between management and friendship too much at times and this can be an issue if things go wrong, but it felt the right way for me to manage. I realise that he was the same. Listening to how well regarded he was and the things that they collectively achieved, then I am glad this is something that I somehow inherited.
You can’t stay in the painful part of grieving all the time, so I’ve also focused on rest and spending some time doing things that make me feel happy. Very early on there was a sort of nesting feeling, or a feeling that I had to stop some of the spinning plates. Apparently, this is normal. I remember when I had the very tough implosion on my Jersey swim, that the way of starting to get some normal back was to do the simple task of colouring. So I started there when Dad died. Then, when going round a garden centre I spotted some wool and decided that knitting may be the new colouring. So I knitted a scarf which I thought I could wear at the funeral. It was far from perfect but I was pleased with it. I then found some more wool which would go with my chosen outfit better, so I started again. I finished it on the way to the funeral!! Next I think I’ll move onto painting by numbers!
Ordinarily, swimming is my way of getting some me time, but I really haven’t felt up to it. Over the years I have learned that my ability to swim is pretty linked to my health & wellbeing. If I can’t swim, I’m generally not ok. So I suspect I still have some way to go. I do have a big swim next year, so hopefully this will change very soon.
Whilst I did work the first week after my Dad died, I haven’t been at work since. Immediately afterwards I did my normal, put a lid on it thing and kept all the emotions in. Then I did a post on facebook about it and the lid came off and hasn’t been back on since. Part of me thinks I should be ok and back at work by now, and then part of me knows that I’m not yet ok.
It’s ok to not be ok at times like this. I’m learning fast about how physical the shock of a loss (even when expected) can be. How you can be physically impacted in ways that you didn’t know were possible. I’m hoping that this experience will make me a better coach, a better manager and will help me be a better friend for others facing loss.
In other news
New Job
My son, Josh, started his new job this month. He is working as a call handler for the ambulance service. He has an extended period of training (reassuring to know!!) before working independently. So far he is doing brilliantly with close to perfect results in written and practical tests.
Back home
Lauren, my youngest, has returned home from college in the USA for the funeral and for surgery due to an injury sustained playing basketball about a year ago. It’s been lovely chatting about how things are going in Georgia. I love that she has chosen to major in psychology and I look forward to making interesting conversations on what she is learning.
Careers day
Georgia, my eldest daughter, is a teacher at an East London school. I was asked to support their careers day and do mock interviews with a number of year 10 students. I hope they learned from the process and feel better prepared. I was very impressed by them. They all made a tremendous effort and were delightful to spend time with. I was also very impressed by the respect and discipline I saw within the school. Fingers crossed for some bright futures ahead.
Renovations
The renovations continue, slowly. We now have plaster back on the wall following the new opening at the back of the house and, get this, I now have blinds that work in my bedroom - the first time in several years!! We finally can have dark at night time and natural light during the day! It’s the simple things in life sometimes! There is still a very long way to go with the renovations, I sometimes wonder if it will ever be finished.
Celebrations
Paul & I spent a weekend in Jersey in November at the Jersey Long Distance Swimming Club’s annual dinner celebrating his successful Jersey to France swim in the summer. It’s such a beautiful Island and it’s always a pleasure to spend time with like minded people.
‘Aspiring’ swimmers
November also saw the ‘Aspire’ day. Aspire is a charity who helps people who have spinal injuries. Each year they create numerous channel relay teams. This day was one for providing information to the people who want to join next year’s relays and to complete pool assessments on the hopefuls. On behalf of SwimQuest, I supported the pool assessments. Then the evening was a celebration of the previous year’s swim successes. Overall an inspiring an lovely day.
Flitwick Dolphins
The Flitwick Dolphins are a lovely swimming club who asked me to come and speak to their swimmers as part of a development day. I was able to share my thoughts and run some activities with two groups of swimmers. At the same event another swimmer also spoke, and he was an open water Olympian. How lovely to spend time with him also.
Looking ahead
2020 swims
This month I learned the exciting news that my application to swim 20 Bridges in 2020 has been accepted. For those of you who are not in the channel swimming world, this swim is a circumnavigation around Manhattan Island. What a fabulous way to see New York for the first time!
Holiday
My birthday is during the channel swimming training season. Paul bought me a long weekend to Iceland for my birthday but to be enjoyed after the season had finished and this was this month. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, my Dad passed away while I was on the flight. Naturally, this massively changed the dynamics of this trip. We did consider flying home again, but didn’t as there wasn’t anything that I could do at this point that could make any difference at all.
Iceland is a beautiful place. It’s so friendly and feels so very safe. We crammed a lot into the few days. Where else could you visit:
a gap between the American and European tectonic plates
a geezer with boiling water amongst ice
beautiful waterfalls
geothermal baths
On the first night we went to an observatory where we learned a lot about the island. From the viewing gallery a big beam of light was visible through the black night sky. I joked that it was my Dad trying to take out the baddies, but his aim wasn’t quite right yet. In reality it was the beam of hope created by Yoko Ono. It shines for a month each year from the date of John Lennon’s birth to the date he died. Iceland was chosen as it is such a peace loving country. Perfect.
A beautiful scene that reminded me of my Dad
I’d love to hear from you. If any of this has struck a chord with you and you would like to chat about it with someone who is willing to listen and help or just listen, then please get in touch.